| We live in a self-cleaning oven. Not literally, of course. | | | | airplanes fly themselves. Word is that Al Qaeda has |
| We would burn up if we did. Those things get really | | | | developed a self-hijacking plane, but they can't seem |
| HOT!In fact, self-cleaning ovens get so hot that they | | | | to develop a customer base.Television remote |
| burn orange juice to a crisp. They get so hot that | | | | controls, officially called "doodadders", have made |
| they melt thermometers. The produce enough hot air | | | | legs virtually redundant, except for bathroom breaks. |
| to replace the entire American Senate, the British | | | | In Caveman Jack's days, they had to get up off their |
| Parliament and the Canadian PMO put together. | | | | rocks to change the channels. If Caveman Jack had |
| Unfortunately, certain trade barriers and constitutional | | | | had a doodadder, he might still be sitting on his rock |
| clauses impede the replacement of deadwood political | | | | praying that somebody will soon invent a |
| assemblies by modern, efficient self-cleaning | | | | bathroom.To be frank, I think the Office of Modern |
| ovens.The self-cleaning oven is part of the "oven" | | | | Conveniences has misguided priorities. My oven |
| genus of machines. Households these days also boast | | | | doesn't need cleaning all that badly. But my office |
| a microwave oven, a toaster, a toaster oven, a | | | | does. And so does my kitchen. And my laundry room. |
| waffle maker, a bread maker, a popcorn cooker, an | | | | And my bathroom. Why doesn't somebody invent a |
| auto-shut kettle and several other specialty "ovens". | | | | self cleaning bathroom?Oops. I forgot. Somebody did |
| The combined hot air form all these cooking | | | | invent a self-cleaning bathroom. On our honeymoon in |
| machines could turn any ordinary home into an instant | | | | Rome, we used the bathroom in a Roman Metro |
| Parliament.Like the self-cleaning oven, everything is | | | | station. As soon as we left the bathroom the |
| automated these days. It makes life so easy. In fact, | | | | automatic door shut and the bathroom was rinsed |
| the machines could almost run the world without us. | | | | from sprinklers all around.Did I mention that Caveman |
| Almost.The ovens practically clean themselves. My | | | | Jack was a sugar sculptor? He carved lovely |
| great, great, great uncle, Caveman Jack, had to clean | | | | sculptures of rocks out of sugar. What if one day, |
| his oven with a stick. The hardest part was trying to | | | | while riding the Roman Metro to a sugar sculpture |
| figure out which rock was the oven.Automated | | | | showing, Caveman Jack suddenly had to rush to the |
| doors at the grocery store open and close even | | | | washroom?Leaving the washroom, he remembers his |
| when nobody walks through...except for those few | | | | prize sculpture entitled "Rock" sitting on the bathroom |
| that still function properly.Lights turn on an off on | | | | floor. Too late. The automatic doors close. The water |
| their own, as long as there is somebody there to | | | | flushes the bathroom clean.Later that day at the |
| applaud, which brings me to question the self-esteem | | | | sugar sculpture exhibit, everyone gathers 'round and |
| of lighting fixtures.Lint gets caught in the lint trap. | | | | marvels at the latest offering by Caveman Jack: |
| Caveman Jack had to trap his own lint, but then | | | | "Little Rock".Caveman Jack is probably happy that he |
| somebody invented the clothes dryer, and people | | | | doesn't have a self-cleaning oven. Too much |
| have not had to hunt for lint ever since.Planes fly on | | | | convenience is not always good for the soul. Besides, |
| autopilot these days. Gone are the days when | | | | there's nothing like an open fire to cook a juicy |
| Caveman Jack had to pedal over a cliff to take flight. | | | | mammoth steak.Saaaay...how about a self-cleaning |
| Now pilots can sit back, sip a drink and snooze while | | | | fire pit? |