| We live in a self-cleaning oven. Not | | | | while airplanes fly themselves. Word is that |
| literally, of course. We would burn up if we | | | | Al Qaeda has developed a self-hijacking |
| did. Those things get really HOT!In fact, | | | | plane, but they can't seem to develop a |
| self-cleaning ovens get so hot that they burn | | | | customer base.Television remote controls, |
| orange juice to a crisp. They get so hot | | | | officially called "doodadders", have made |
| that they melt thermometers. The produce | | | | legs virtually redundant, except for bathroom |
| enough hot air to replace the entire American | | | | breaks. In Caveman Jack's days, they had to |
| Senate, the British Parliament and the | | | | get up off their rocks to change the |
| Canadian PMO put together. Unfortunately, | | | | channels. If Caveman Jack had had a |
| certain trade barriers and constitutional | | | | doodadder, he might still be sitting on his |
| clauses impede the replacement of deadwood | | | | rock praying that somebody will soon invent a |
| political assemblies by modern, efficient | | | | bathroom.To be frank, I think the Office of |
| self-cleaning ovens.The self-cleaning oven is | | | | Modern Conveniences has misguided priorities. |
| part of the "oven" genus of machines. | | | | My oven doesn't need cleaning all that |
| Households these days also boast a microwave | | | | badly. But my office does. And so does my |
| oven, a toaster, a toaster oven, a waffle | | | | kitchen. And my laundry room. And my |
| maker, a bread maker, a popcorn cooker, an | | | | bathroom. Why doesn't somebody invent a self |
| auto-shut kettle and several other specialty | | | | cleaning bathroom?Oops. I forgot. Somebody |
| "ovens". The combined hot air form all these | | | | did invent a self-cleaning bathroom. On our |
| cooking machines could turn any ordinary home | | | | honeymoon in Rome, we used the bathroom in a |
| into an instant Parliament.Like the | | | | Roman Metro station. As soon as we left the |
| self-cleaning oven, everything is automated | | | | bathroom the automatic door shut and the |
| these days. It makes life so easy. In fact, | | | | bathroom was rinsed from sprinklers all |
| the machines could almost run the world | | | | around.Did I mention that Caveman Jack was a |
| without us. Almost.The ovens practically | | | | sugar sculptor? He carved lovely sculptures |
| clean themselves. My great, great, great | | | | of rocks out of sugar. What if one day, |
| uncle, Caveman Jack, had to clean his oven | | | | while riding the Roman Metro to a sugar |
| with a stick. The hardest part was trying to | | | | sculpture showing, Caveman Jack suddenly had |
| figure out which rock was the oven.Automated | | | | to rush to the washroom?Leaving the washroom, |
| doors at the grocery store open and close | | | | he remembers his prize sculpture entitled |
| even when nobody walks through...except for | | | | "Rock" sitting on the bathroom floor. Too |
| those few that still function properly.Lights | | | | late. The automatic doors close. The water |
| turn on an off on their own, as long as there | | | | flushes the bathroom clean.Later that day at |
| is somebody there to applaud, which brings me | | | | the sugar sculpture exhibit, everyone gathers |
| to question the self-esteem of lighting | | | | 'round and marvels at the latest offering by |
| fixtures.Lint gets caught in the lint trap. | | | | Caveman Jack: "Little Rock".Caveman Jack is |
| Caveman Jack had to trap his own lint, but | | | | probably happy that he doesn't have a |
| then somebody invented the clothes dryer, and | | | | self-cleaning oven. Too much convenience is |
| people have not had to hunt for lint ever | | | | not always good for the soul. Besides, |
| since.Planes fly on autopilot these days. | | | | there's nothing like an open fire to cook a |
| Gone are the days when Caveman Jack had to | | | | juicy mammoth steak.Saaaay...how about a |
| pedal over a cliff to take flight. Now | | | | self-cleaning fire pit? |
| pilots can sit back, sip a drink and snooze | | | | |